QUIZLET: What is your Sexual Orientation?

It is recommended that you do this other quiz first to understand what is meant here by sexual attraction and to determine whether or not you experience sexual attraction (as there are many forms of attraction).
Note that I have included androsexual, gynosexual and skoliosexual in this quiz to remove the dependance of sexual orientation on your gender identity. These terms can be helpful for non-binary or transgender individuals, but you do not have to be non-binary or transgender to identify with them!
Also note that there is overlap between some of the terms in this quiz and it is okay to identify with more than one (for example, you could identify as homosexual and androsexual if you are a male).
Once again, this quiz is a tool only and does not have the final say on your orientation or identity – only you can decide that!

Let’s begin!

  1. Do you experience sexual attraction?
    If NO, you could be asexual.
    Next recommended quiz: Do I experience romantic attraction? (Coming soon!)
    If YES or SOMETIMES, continue.
  1. Do you experience sexual attraction exclusively to people of the same gender as you?
    If YES, you could be homosexual or grey-homosexual.
    Next recommended quiz: Do I experience romantic attraction? (Coming soon!)
    If YES or NO, continue.
  1. Do you experience sexual attraction exclusively to people of a gender other than what you identify as?
    If YES, you could be heterosexual or grey-heterosexual.
    Next recommended quiz: Do I experience romantic attraction? (Coming soon!)

    If YES or NO, continue.

  1. Do you experience sexual attraction exclusively towards males or people who present as masculine?
    If YES, you could be androsexual or grey-androsexual.
    Next recommended quiz: Do I experience romantic attraction? (Coming soon!)
    If NO, continue.
  1. Do you experience sexual attraction exclusively towards females or people who present as feminine?
    If YES, you could be gynosexual or grey-gynosexual.
    Next recommended quiz: Do I experience romantic attraction? (Coming soon!)
    If NO, continue.
  1. Do you experience sexual attraction exclusively towards non-binary individuals or people who present as androgynous?
    If YES, you could be skoliosexual or grey-skoliosexual.
    Next recommended quiz: Do I experience romantic attraction? (Coming soon!)
    If NO, continue.
  1. Do you experience sexual attraction to people of more than one gender?
    If YES, you could be bisexual/pansexual/polysexual or grey-bisexual/pansexual/polysexual. Next recommended quiz: Am I bisexual, pansexual, or polysexual? (Coming soon!)
    If YES or NO, continue.
  1. Do you experience sexual attraction to people independent of their gender?
    If YES, you could be bisexual/pansexual/polysexual or grey-bisexual/pansexual/polysexual. Next recommended quiz: Am I bisexual, pansexual, or polysexual? (Coming soon!)
    If YES or NO, continue.
  1. Do you experience sexual attraction primarily towards people of one gender, but occasionally towards people of another/other gender/s?
    If YES, you could be bisexual/pansexual/polysexual or grey-bisexual/pansexual/polysexual.
    Next recommended quiz: Am I bisexual, pansexual, or polysexual? (Coming soon!)
    If NO, continue.
  1. Do you experience sexual attraction towards people of one gender and people of another/other gender/s in roughly equal amounts?
    If YES, you could be bisexual/pansexual/polysexual or grey-bisexual/pansexual/polysexual.
    Next recommended quiz: Am I bisexual, pansexual, or polysexual? (Coming soon!)

What did you think of this quiz? What is your sexual orientation and was this quiz accurate for you? I welcome any and all comments and suggestions!

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a grey area of asexuality

Warning: This post discusses general paraphilia, fetishes and sexual deviation. There are no specific details, but if this could be upsetting for you, or is not your cup of tea, please don’t continue reading.  There are also mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Again, please stay safe and exercise discretion. 


A few months ago, I came out as ace (asexual), and I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking and researching since then to figure out exactly how I feel and where I fit on the asexual spectrum.

For anyone who doesn’t know, asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to anyone. I will assume that those of you reading this know a bit about asexuality but if you aren’t familiar with it, please read my coming out post, explore a bit around AVEN, or read this article as I think it’s a really relateable discussion on how it can feel to be asexual.

1. Grey-asexuality/ Greysexuality

grey-asexual playing card

grey-asexual playing card

Grey-asexuality is an umbrella term used to cover people who identify pretty closely with asexual, but feel that this term doesn’t quite describe them accurately. This could be because someone does feel sexual attraction sometimes, but it’s usually so rare, or of such low strength that they feel they may as well not experience it at all, or feel that they fit better with the asexual community most of the time.

It could also be because they need very specific criteria to be met, or they need to get to know someone very well before sexual attraction is possible (see demisexuality).

2. My situation

The issue I have with my identity is that I can confidently say that I do not experience sexual attraction to anyone, ever. I’m led to believe this is pretty uncommon in asexuals because, if you’ve never experienced something, how can you confidently say that you don’t experience it? But I can say that I don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone, because I experience sexual attraction to specific circumstances, situations and events. It’s odd – I believe the official term is fetish or paraphilia. (Edit: Check out this great discussion on paraphilia).

I won’t get into specifics, but the issue is, I don’t really feel 100% happy with the label asexual, because I do experience some form of sexual attraction. I also don’t really feel comfortable with the label grey-asexual though, because grey-asexuality still refers to intermittent sexual attraction towards people. My paraphilia involves people by nature, but the people are unimportant. Their age, gender, appearance, personality, etc. doesn’t matter to me at all. ( They probably don’t even have to be people – they could be aliens.) I am not attracted to the people involved, they are just required tools for the situation to occur.

According to the definitions, I technically am asexual, because I do not experience sexual attraction to anyone. Equally, I am not grey-asexual, because I don’t intermittently experience sexual attraction to anyone – I never do. But I am different from what I believe is a large portion of the asexual community.

3. Pansexuality

pansexual flag

pansexual pride flag

For a while, I identified as pansexual, because I felt sexual attraction, and the genders of the people involved didn’t matter. But the moment I discovered the term asexuality, I realised that I wasn’t really attracted to the people involved in my paraphilia, so much as indifferent. I dont really think I can say I’m sexually attracted to someone if I don’t really care who they are.

4. Autochorrissexualism

autochorrissexual

autochorrissexual flag

Autochorrissexualism is a disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal. It may involve sexual fantasies, or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein.

This is a category that falls under the asexual umbrella. The argument for this is that someone who is autochorrissexual experiences arousal and not attraction, as the person does not want to actually do anything with the object of their arousal. For me, this is another label that kind of fits, but for me, it focuses too much on the willingness to participate. Like before, whether or not I actually participate is irrelevant for the attraction/arousal. It is the situation that matters.

5. Why is it difficult to find a label for this?

I seriously doubt I am the only person who is in this situation. The problem is that the topic of paraphilia and fetishes is very taboo.

For many people, their sexual fantasies cannot ever realistically be realised because they would be harmful, or illegal, but that doesn’t change the fact that they have these feelings. But because the very topic is so taboo, not only can these people never realise their deepest sexual fantasies, but they now have to live their whole life repressing their desires for fear of being discovered. They have to carry this huge socially-taboo secret, and bear their own disgust and self-loathing their entire life in secrecy because of who they are and how they were born. These people are probably the ones who need most someone to confide in, to talk to, to share the burden. But they never can.

Looking back, I can clearly remember being unusually interested from as young as four years old. I didn’t link it with sex becuase I had no idea what that was, but the feeling was the same. It wasn’t something I chose – it was something that came naturally. Just like being gay, or straight, or any other orientation. I was born like this. 

Do I have a disorder? Officially, not unless my paraphilia causes me distress or causes me to harm others. (which it doesn’t).

Am I weird? Probably. But not just because of this.

Am I broken? Again, probably. But because of this? No. This is just a part of who I am and I can’t imagine being any other way because I never have been.

That being said, I was extremely worried as a teenager that I was broken. I knew only what society and the media had taught me – people with unusual sexual interests were bad. They were scary. They were dangerous. I had unusual sexual interests, therefore, I was bad, scary and dangerous. I knew I would have to repress my desires – probably forever – and I knew from tv that people who did that inevitably slipped up one day and spilled the beans, or went crazy and took out their repressed desires on someone else – hurting them in the process. I was utterly terrified that I would end up like that. I actually sat down and promised myself that, if I ever felt like I was going to hurt someone because of my paraphilia, I would kill myself to make sure I never could. But I was still scared that I wouldn’t see it coming – that it would sneak up on me and I would hurt someone before I knew what I’d done. I was scared for my parents finding out that I was a monster, some horrible freak. I was deeply and truly afraid of myself and I seriously considered committing suicide to save the world from me.

It was actually a speech at a school assembly that pulled me through that low. The principal stood on the stage and told us that all our lives we’d been learning, and it was kind of like a loan. We’d been given all this knowledge for 15 years of our lives, so that when we came out of school we could use it to put something back into the world and make a positive difference.

At first, I was angry. I was furious! I had something unfinished, a debt unpaid, that I’d had no choice in. I hadn’t signed up for anything, and no one had told me. But after I thought about it a bit, I realised that if I was willing to check out of the world in order to prevent something bad,  it meant that I was passionate enough about what happened in the world to be able to make a positive difference. I could confidently say that I wanted to make a positive difference in the world, so I decided that was what I’d do. Once I’d repaid my debt and added something good, I could revisit my debate about whether or not to check out. And that’s how I made it through.

So I can understand why people don’t want to talk about these things. It’s a painful and a scary topic to approach. But we can’t help what we are and how we work. Being unusual does not automatically make us dangerous. What can be done about it though? I don’t know.

6. Asexual Fetishists

asexual furry

asexual furry flag

I literally just came across this discussion with an asexual sneeze fetishist who describes their experience as very similar to mine. So it seems that asexual fetishist is a term that, theoretically, is in use and describes my feelings. (Yay!)

I can see why it’s taken me so long to come across this term though. It’s not exactly something that I would be comfortable openly identifying as.

“Hi everyone, I’m Q and I’m an asexual fetishist.”

-silence-

Yeah. It’s accurate, but… kinda crude. So I guess for now… I’ll stick with asexual-not-disclosing-more-info. That was a long rant just to arrive back in the same place that I started… Thanks for reading all the way through if you made it this far!

What are your opinions on the topic? Have you experienced something similar or related? I’d love to hear from you 🙂

Q

more labels to toss around the room

Today I’m marching on to a topic that is becoming more and more acceptable to discuss publicly as it is explored in the media more and more frequently – sexuality, or sexual orientation.

I count myself as one of the few fortunate enough to have grown up in a time and place where no one has ever tried to teach me that sexual orientation is something that you can get right or wrong. That is not to say that I haven’t seen people being treated unfairly because of their sexual orientation, but I am full of hope that it is possible for members of the younger generations to get all the way to adulthood without being taught any prejudice, anger or fear for people based on this.

As a kid, I didn’t really think about relationships or marriage much – people try to avoid teaching you that stuff until you’re a bit older, so I just figured it was one of those adult things that would happen eventually. All the adults that I knew were either male/female married couples, or they were single (divorced, widowed or simply never married). So the only thing I really thought was that you either choose to get married, or choose to not get married. I was dead set on being a hermit on a mountain somewhere, so it seemed like an obvious choice for me!

No, not this kind of hermit! It would be pretty cool though.

As I got older, they started to teach me a bit more, and I came across the concept of homosexuality. It was interesting, but otherwise uneventful. I just kind of thought: “Oh, okay. I didn’t know that was a thing. I wonder why I don’t know anyone like that. I guess it’s just really uncommon.” Though I still held onto my dreams of being a hermit, I thought to myself that if I did end up getting married, it would probably be to a guy because then we could both climb trees and play video games together. I really didn’t want to think about spending all my time shopping and talking about fake tans. (Obviously there were no gender stereotypes in kid-me’s head at all.)

Clearly every woman is like this.

When I was about 15, I took a Health class as a more interesting alternative to Economics (which was driving me insane). It was definitely interesting. We had an all female class (the only guy dropped out after the first week… go figure) and I learnt a lot more about sex than I ever really needed or wanted to know. But I was introduced to the term, bisexuality, and that was quite an interesting thing for me to get my head around. I don’t know if I’m strange in this or not (I know I’m strange in a lot of other ways) but at 15, I had never really thought about sex in the slightest (possibly not helped by the fact that I was so conflicted with my gender identity).  I’d had a couple of boyfriends, sure, but they really were just that to me. Friends that were boys, that you got to hug, and hold hands with, and talk about everything with. Sex was something gross and weird and adult and I wasn’t ready to stop being a kid, ever.

So my then-current understanding of relationships was that there were three options:

1) You’re heterosexual and you get married to someone of the opposite gender

2) You’re homosexual and you get a Civil Union with someone of the same gender

3) You don’t marry, move to the mountains and grow a long beard

Option 4) Seduce Peter Pan.

There really wasn’t room in my understanding for bisexuality, because you couldn’t get married to two people. Around about this time, my best friend opened up about being bisexual. I didn’t really know what to think about that. I remember bringing it up with an adult who told me that people our age were often confused about what they wanted, and liked to experiment and try new things to figure it out. I knew that I didn’t have a clue what I wanted really, except for some good, close friends, but she had been very confident and relaxed about her sexual identity – like it was just another fact about her. She could have been talking about her hair colour. (Now, of course, I appreciate that that’s exactly what your sexual orientation is – a fact about you, and not a definition of you.)

medusa

Although for Medusa, her hair -kinda- does define her.

Then, I got a boyfriend (who I’m still with today). Unfortunately, around this time my best friend and I had a falling out and stopped speaking to each other. I doubt I’ll ever know what that was about – whether she was hurt that I wouldn’t be able to hang out with her as much, or if it was something more than that – but I realised that losing her felt exactly the same to me as losing boyfriends I’d had in the past. I’d enjoyed her company, admired her talents, loved getting to know her, and I kind of thought, what’s the difference between that and what I had with boyfirends?

From what I knew, the main difference between a close friendship, and a sexual relationship was the sexual part – the intimacy and the sexual attraction. The trouble was, the sexual part was the bit I felt I didn’t get the instructions for. I was capable of being attracted to people, but not really for their bodies. I didn’t really look at people and think, wow, they look hot. I could appreciate the difference between looking nice and looking ugly (which I actually feel bad for thinking. I hate judging people based on how they look), but I wasn’t really attracted to people based on this alone. It took me a while, but eventually I realised that it was people’s personalities, actions and motivations that spoke loudest to me. What I was attracted to was who people were, how they saw and interacted with life, and how they treated me. And with that understanding came the realisation that I really didn’t care whether they had boobs or a beard, because that wasn’t the part that mattered to me.

What mattered was whether or not they had a cat.

Since then I have learnt that there are a whole range of other sexual identites out there. There are multiple labels that could apply to me but I would probably say that bisexual or pansexual fits best. But the label itself is mostly academic as I am happy with my boyfriend.

I find myself reluctant to discuss my sexuality because it’s so easy to just let people assume I am straight because I have a boyfriend. I feel as though there would be no benefit to coming out as bi- or pan-sexual and risk being alienated by both my straight and gay friends. That being said, I don’t really try to hide my attractions towards girls (or my mix-and-matched gender identity), I just don’t put a label on it and nobody asks any questions. I’m pretty sure that some of my family and friends know or have guessed that I’m not your regular het girl, but they seem content to stay quiet and not throw labels around. The one or two people I have told have been very accepting, but often seem desperate to divert the conversation elsewhere. And I’m okay with that, because it really is just one more fact about me, and it doesn’t define me. It’s just a personal preference.

Thanks for reading and be sure to let me know if you have any thoughts or opinions on this topic.

Q